Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize