If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
