I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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