I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
