My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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