You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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