Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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