i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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