I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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