Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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