Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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