i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
