Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
