I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
