Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
