oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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