as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
