No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
