I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
