I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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