He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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