Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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