I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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