Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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