I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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