No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
