Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
