Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
