She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
