Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
