Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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