I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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