I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
