cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
