I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
