so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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