Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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