I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
