...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
