Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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