Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
