I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
