i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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