it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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