And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
