You're so nebulous sometimes
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
