I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
