i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
