he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
