It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
