On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
worst night to have a conscience
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
