i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
