batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
