i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
